Welcome to my corner of the web.

The What

Perhaps you are wondering what this is all about. Actually, I am too.  As far as I can tell at this point, it’s a journey I’ll uncover through writing it. It is, for now, an anonymous blog about raising my kids in a crazy, sometimes crappy, sometimes utterly sublime world. It’s about raising them in the United States, in Texas, as an atheist, far-left-of-the-dial, irreverent, working-away-from-home mama. A mama still hoping to realize some of her own adventures while supporting two feisty and independent girls and also supporting a working husband who’s currently mired in a full-time job and a candidacy for a doctoral degree.

So, why is it anonymous?

Because I’m a pussy. I worry about my family reading it, my co-workers, even some friends. What will I confess to here? My sexual escapades? The way motherhood empties me out sometimes? My on-the-job slackitude? Texting while driving? Who knows. For now, it feels safer to be anonymous. It feels freer to remain so as a writer. Let’s not get into the neuroses evident in this; for now, let’s let sleeping dogs lie.

What Do I Do for a Living?

Goooooood question. Right now, I hate my job. I’m supposed to be a computer programmer. Currently, I spend a lot of time on Facebook and write documentation. You’d think that in today’s economy I’d put more effort in. Really, you would. But let’s face it, being a mama is tiring me out. I’ll put my ugly truth out there. I don’t have enough in me to go around. I’d rather slack at work than slack with my kids. Er, sometimes I slack with my kids too, though. I guess I’d rather regularly slack at my job than with my kids. And truthfully, I’m just uninspired at work. I wonder about women who seem to love their jobs so much and still be mothers. I’m currently working 30 hours a week and am set to go back to fulltime soon. Honestly, I don’t know how it’s going to work out. I can’t imagine it will work well. I fear the slacking will continue.

The Girls

I have two girls – an older and a younger. They are 22 months apart and they are both toddlers. I am worn. the fuck. out. I am in my early 40s. One (the older) has sleep issues. I am at a sleep deficit most all the time. Some of this has to do with the older’s wonky sleep habits, the rest has to do with my addiction to my iPhone and my willful and perverse drive to extract a few hours for myself after the girls are abed. Our lives are busy, hours extracted out of pretty rigid schedules of work time, daycare and the man’s demanding class schedule.

Heretical

Why the Heretic label? Because Apostate Mama doesn’t have the same ring.

I was raised Southern Baptist, spent a little time with Disciples of Christ-ers (as well as in a bad marriage), became an Episcopalian (and met current man, much better), embraced Agnosticism, then apathy, then agnosticism, and finally admitted (quietly) that I don’t believe in god. I’m admitting it a little louder now, a little more publicly, but it’s a hard brand to feel comfortable with in our culture. Still, despite what some religion-heads want me to believe, having kids doesn’t make me more inclined to believe. If anything, I have become more outspoken and firm in my own convictions.

And let’s face it, I just have a bone to pick with religion. I think it’s bad juju and does us no good for the most part. I live in the South, so this comes up as a continual sore spot in my life. Whether it’s the well-meaning stranger who speaks of my children as a gift from god or the not-so-well-meaning scorn of the churched who surround us, it’s a lonelier path than believing to be sure. It’s a particularly thorny path to be on as a parent.

So,

There you have it. My reasoning behind writing. Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to leave a comment. It gets lonely out there on the web.

Advertisements